What Is Going On.

Hey Guys I know it has been some time since I have posted on the blog, and I'm sorry. There has just been so much going on in my life and I feel like you guys should know whats going on so your can be praying for me and holding me accountable. Here we go:

Ok so school is ok, it's school, and I have made it a goal to get all "A's" this year and my grandparents were just floored by that. They were so happy that that was my goal. So I have been trying really hard or what I think is really hard in corses that have always been especially hard for me, like science. Well right now I have all "B's" in everything, and I was so so upset about them because i knew it wasn't good enough, I knew it wasnt good enough for my grandparents, and it wasnt good enough just in general.

ok so lets take a little rewind, ok?
So in July right after, sky ranch, my sister and I did what we have putting of for years, Putting my dad's ashes in the ocean lik he always wanted, it was tough for her, but it was kinda a peaceful thing, he was finally where he wanted to be, and it was finally just done. But after that weekend my sister never talked to me, i would text and call, and she would never respond, she was done with me. but finally on my DADS BIRTHDAY! (kinda a hard day) she txts me TXT me and tells me that shes probably moving to the Cayman Islands for a year and a half. So, now i started thinking "Ok, so im not good enough to be her sister, I'm not good enough for her to even keep up a relationship or even talk to me. Heck! I'm not good enough for her to stay"

so now, lets fast forward a little bit...

My grandparents have been getting me mad at m latley for just dumb stuff, and it makes me so upset. Cuz i don't do anything wrong but they tear me down, or it feels like thy do, i just, i felt like everything I did was not good enough, it was oonly good, not too good, or bad. never good enough.

lets fast forward a little more, I now had this idea in the back of my mind that I was not good enough, I was not good enough for my grandparents, my sister, at least i was good enough for my friends right??

well i felt like i just kept getting torn down by them, anything i would do to help, or be nice, would just be told "NO! ITS NOT RIGHT" and i didn't understand, i didn't understand, why my help was good enough, why i was getting shot down, by the people who were supposed to love me when i felt like no one else did.

suddenly i just didnt feel good enough, of corse i was good, or ok, i mean i still had friends, i still had grandparents, but i just wasnt what they wanted, i wasnt GOOD ENOUGH. suddenly just this sadness and silence took over me, i was so so scared to say what was going on in my life, because i know if i told my grandparents, they would be offended, i knew if i told my sister, she push me even further away, i knew if i told my friends, they wouldnt even care.

I just I thought well man, God, I thought you loved me? I mean you already let me go through what felt like hell! and i thought it was over, i thought you had an unfailing love for me, and you would protect me? why arent you protecting me now? why arent you here now? its been one heck of a long time since I've felt joy, and your arent doing a dang thing about it buddy.

So I've been like this for two month, and the other day i started noticeing keys. like everyone startedwearing keys, for there own reasons, people i didnt even know were wearing keys, maybe its just a fashion statement. but i knew what it meant i kinda had this feeling of like "oh...well arent you just clever God" but man, it hit me hard, I started remembering why i wore the key, I wore it because God will unlock keys to my future and life, and because as a christian, i have a key to carry, it may be hevay, old, new, janky, or maybe a little silver "samsonite" necklace. but whatevr it is you carry it and you can unlock great things for your family, your friends, and even your communities and schools, you just have to know who gave you the key and why, because they beileved in you. WOW! God beileves in me, he beileves that I will overcome all the crap in my life, he beilves that I am strong enough to go through this, he beileves in me to do his work, he beileves in me so so much that he has given me a key, he has give me this beautiful key to unlock special things that are of him and that will only be between me and him, but i threw that present away, i threw it in the dirt and stomped on it and even spit on it a few times, i got so mad at God for things that he didnt even do, i got mad at him for simply BEILEVEING in me! man!!

OK! so what does all this mean??
well it means I have choices, but only two.
I can A) continue letting things that arent even important get me down and just sulk because i'm not good enough for things and people that maybe wont always be there, and wont always stay by my side.
or
B) press on! I can forget all that, pick up my key that was once so pure and so clean and so shiny , but now is covered in dirt, and shame and kinda bent because so many walked on it and so many times i stomped on it. I can pick that broken and ugly key back up and clean it and wear it with pride and let it be a small
symbol of how a KING OF KINGS beileves in me.

Guys im taking the B Train! I'm done with trying to be good enough for people, I'm done with thinking I'm not good enough. I am sick and tiered of being quiet and pretending that nothing is wrong. Something was wrong but I AM HEALED! BY HIS STRIPES I AM HEALED! and i want you to know that, i want everyone to know that!

So maybe you have been going through something that seems hard, maybe you have been pushed to that point where you feel like if you get pushed one more time your going to fall, and fall hard. Well i have news for you my friend, DONT STOP BEILEVEING! Dont stop beileveing because HE doesn't.