So lately my life has been a little messed up. Nothing is going according to my plan...and for once, I feel full in this emptiness...
Basically, I promised God at the beginning of this summer he could have my plans, he could destory my summer for his will. I even talked about it at Sky Ranch, about how God called Isaiah to be a prophet and he responded with "woe is me, I am unclean..." (Isaiah 6) he wasn't prepared, it hadn't been in Isaiah's plans to become a prophet. But God called him and told him he was ready.
All summer I waited for God to drastically transform my life, making plans for my future but reminding myself that God could change those plans. I spent every day this summer training to make the swim team. The school year starts and I dont make the team. Not because I'm not good enoguh, I never even got the chance to try out. My schedule messed up and I was told I would be stuck in technology. I am still very dissapointed in this, but instantly my mind started changing plans. I started trying to plan out my future again telling myself "well I can do technology this year....and then next year I can do blah blah blah..." Two days later, my schedule changes again, this time I am in floral design (random haha). Then again to technology, and back to floral where I am now...
Honestly, the schedule part doesnt matter. Really, who cares that I am in technology or floral design (its one class, its not that big of a deal, sorry if it sounds like im complaining...but thats how hard it is for me to let go of the control I want to have in every aspect of my life). The part that I have learned so much from is my response each time it happened. Every time my schedule changed, I changed plans. I can't let go of that control in my life. I obsess over organizing my life, always ready with a back-up plan. Thats not what I promised God I would do. I promised he could be in control. That he could plan ahead. And instead, whenever he tries to switch life up on me, I just keep trying to re-gain control. I have been so focused on asking God "What is your will for me? Where do you want me to serve this year?" These are great questions...yes...but not the best question. It doesn't matter where God puts me, he can use me in any class. So what I should be asking God is "Who do you want me to become." Whether God lets me pull a Burger King and have it my way or not, the only plan I need to cling on to is that there IS a plan for my life. It doesn't matter what it is, and I have to stop trying to figure it out...what college I go to, what career I want to pursue, these are all parts of my future I have been trying to determine. But wherever I go and whatever I do doesn't matter. It's who I become in the process.
Sorry if this seems a little like a rant ;) and I know it doesn't apply to acts (but trust me when I say reading acts has led to some amazing discussions about the holy spirit with my bible study group) ...but God has really laid this on my heart and I felt the need to share it so I could get some accountability from my questies. I have read about the keys you 3 lovely ladies wear...and I hope you don't mind, but that sounds like the kind of reminder I need. That God has that control over my life because I gave it to him 6 years ago. That doesn't mean I gave him just my heart, I gave him my life. And I want him to transform me to become a strong woman of the lord. So I am going to find a key...thank you so much for the encouragement in yalls posts.
breanna, this post really touched me. i'm so thankful that you wrote it--i think we all need help remembering that we are not the ones in control, and that what we need to focus on is who we are becoming, not letting other things define us...i'm really proud of you. I know how hard it is for you to give up control, and it seems like you are finally allowing yourself to do that, which is so rare and awesome. There's a song called "Ruin Me" by Jeff Johnson, you should download it and listen to it. It was like my theme song last semester and for the summer...I think you'd associate with its words a lot.
ReplyDeleteAnd, about the key--go for it. It's such a special reminder and it gets other people's attention--it's a great evangelism tool, that I didn't even expect to be. I love you breanna...again, so proud of you and who you are becoming. and if i'm proud, think of how your Heavenly Father feels...He is probably beaming right now. :)
wow breanna that was an amazing post! God has a special plan for each and every one of us...something i've finally realized this summer. everytime i make a mistake or make a stupid decision that i wish i didn't make, i always remember that EVERYTHING happens for a reason - either to lift us up to make us happier OR to bring us down to make us even stronger in our faith. and i really, really, really (times a million) advise you to start wearing a key too. (: it's been one of my best decisions ever (that and sky ranch, of course). but seriously, so many people have asked me about it every day, and whitley's right - it's such a great evangelism tool. i've become SO much BOLDER in my faith (thanks whitley!) and if i'm having a bad day or something, it's so comforting to just look down and see my key around my neck, reminding me that through it all, God is always there.
ReplyDeletei'll be praying for you. (: